Want to admit something

[back on my bullish*t]

just make sure you dont do anything stupid bruh
it can only keep getting better for you
which it seems like it is
i can already tell from your posts compared to before you left and came back again that you are a better person

[Zimmie]

Got your back man dont worry your just going through a phase in life friend life will progress as you mature your fam seem to be supporting you bro keep them close

[LilTunƎchi]

[Lil wayne prezident]

you didnt need to be but good job on being honest homey.

[YMCMB357]

This brought a tear to my eye

[harrychhabra84]

everything will be alright man.
believe in yourself and never give up!
remember life is what u make it!

[WeEeEeEzZzZyYy]

I know I'm like really active here and people don't really know shit about me, like FB or anything. Well, let's see I joined in June of 2013. I've been here for a while I guess.

I suffer from bipolar depression. Well like, I'm not officially diagnosed. I was in a rehab treatment program in high school, I was prescribed some stuff but it only made me like 10x worse off than I ever was before it. I got thrown in for failing all my classes and stuff like that. Being a nuisance. Screw up type kid. I just stopped caring about everything. I was on meds for 2 weeks before I threw them out. Side effects were unbearable, and I felt like a guinea pig. I'm just putting it all out there for you bcuz I feel like some people here know some bad stuff about me. I want to show you who I am.

I haven't done anything with my life since like 2010 man. It's been that long. Junior year was when my grades started tanking. I was literally doing nothing. So there is like a schizotypal element to this whole scenario.

Fast forward to 2013ish 2014 is when I got off my probation. I was on probation for a year for some minor robberies, same kids who I hit the ground running with. Got off easy, was supposed to go to a place called Jamesburg for a long time. Ended up getting a lawyer who helped sway the case to 1 year probation, and some community service.

I turned to hard drugs during probation to ease my illness a bit. My officer was cool, but he just couldn't understand how marijuana helped me and opted for a treatment program again. That didn't do nothing, I saw him 1 day a month for a year and felt like he never really got me. Never understood me at all.

So I ran in to like a meth crowd. Just really some of the worst fucking people you can ever want to be around. Like they'll step on your toes for a dollar. They'll all stab you in the throat for a hot meal, for the most petty shit. These people are evil man and can only think about themselves ever. They don't see consequences, all end up either overdosing or God knows where. Started sipping lean, had withdrawals after a few weeks then turned to dope well you know the story. Meth in between, I'm skinny so I got away with the drug tests all the time. I slipped one day, ate a poppy seed bagel or whatever and since my PO thought I was a good boy he let it slide.

Now I'm here. Only reason I'm not on the streets homeless or in a hospital is bcuz of my fam, and BlackHatWorld that site taught me how to make some money online. Not really much but I help pay rent with ad revenue from lyric videos on YouTube. Just speed them up and you'll never get copyright..

Other than that I ain't got shit going for me. Yeah I want to make beats but who knows if that shit is gonna work you feel me, lots of people make beats. I feel the illness takes over me sometimes and makes me feel like I can be this big dude. I've been speaking with a therapist lately he said it's called delusions of grandeaur (sp?)..

My life is just one big pile of shit over and over. I wake up and it's the same thing, it's never ever gonna get better man people like me they just get worse everyday then roll over and die. Yeah there's glimmers of hope here and there but reality checks in, I ain't shit.

I would want to end it but I don't have the balls to do that. This isn't a cry for attention or a suicide note, this is just me being open with people. I have (or had) lots of charisma but am very horribly bad at maintaining friendships with people or just socializing in general. Like people will always be impressed with my impressions I make on them when I talk but when it comes down to being a friend I'm so damn weird with thaat shit. I always avoided stuff, ever since I was a little kid.

Life is just shit man. I mean look at this damn world, it all sucks. Even rich people hate there lives, what hope is there for everybody else? You're lying to yourself if you think differently.

So yeah, I have a serious disorder. Don't like talking about it... When I get manic sometimes I insult people, but I never mean it or nothing. I'm just not normal...

Anyway that's it........................