In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

[Artille]

Please enjoy this verse I wrote a while back and posted on HQ. This is an updated, revised, and longer verse than my previous version of this verse (Formerly "Economy"). I am in the process of writing my other two verses and an amazing chorus.

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My dudes use to ride around in brand new whips
And they never gave a shit about politics
Then Bush stepped in office and fucked up shit
Now we gotta rely on Barack to make the fix
Struggling to pay bills and keep a house
Money's real tight when you come from the South
Tryna figure out what you wanna be
But you can't do shit in this economy
Since the recession the money's been tight
It no longer matters if you're black or white
We need someone to get us out of this hole
That requires everyone to play their role
Working a nine to five on minimum wage
The government takes half, leaving you in a rage
But you can't do shit like a beast in a cage
Cause they go by the book and wrote every page
They lock you down so you can't succeed
And so you can't get what you want and need
The stock market's crashing a blazing speed
We need change now, we can't wait for the next breed
So the next generation won't take over the debt
We're all players in the game, and the game is set
We can't give up, we gotta do what we can
Step one, take the troops out of Iraq and Afghan

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Thoughts, criticism, and feedback are wanted and would be much appreciated. I hope you enjoyed this verse because it is from the heart and I took my time on it.

FB4FB (Feedback 4 Feedback) - You comment on mine, I will comment on yours.

Thank you,
Artille

[Enigma]

Re: In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

Since this is your own song which is what you want it to be I'm not going to say much except it does matter if you're a minority and I don't think you realize that Obama and them aren't taking some of the steps they said they'd overturn that they bashed Bush for.

It was okay.

[R. D.]

Re: In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

doug its t8

[Artille]

Re: In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

Since this is your own song which is what you want it to be I'm not going to say much except it does matter if you're a minority and I don't think you realize that Obama and them aren't taking some of the steps they said they'd overturn that they bashed Bush for.

It was okay.

I don't want to make this writing into a "FUCK Bush, PRAISE Obama" type thread, but I would like to point out that Obama has only been in office for a little over a year and already passed a stimulus package and a health care bill. The health care bill is HUGE and obviously the stimulus failed, but that doesn't matter. And in most cases, especially the South, it use to matter about skin color and race. It really still does, just not as much.

Anyways I'm going to quit rambling now. I would like to thank you for actually reading it and leaving decent feedback as well as your opinion.

Also, thank you R. D.

[ItsYNR]

Re: In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

I really think you should just start recording, but nice work tho dude.

[Artille]

Re: In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

I really think you should just start recording, but nice work tho dude.

I would, but I don't have the money for a high quality mic.

Thanks for the feedback.

[IgnoranceIsBliss]

Re: In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

It felt boring to me. It had a nice flow and a good topic but it was too simple in my opinion. I'm not saying start throwing in metaphors but just change the construction of lines so one line may be 2 or 3 short sentences that you can use as impact like bang bang bang and then another the same.

Example
"We need someone to get us out of this hole
That requires everyone to play their role"

to

"Someone get us out this hole, we gotta go,
Not ending up on the dole, we gotta play our role"

It just needs some re-wording to make it more impactful in my opinion, right now it drones on using simple English and doesn't really have any hard hitting lines to it. Just give it some more work and if you want to then change it a bit, if not then it's your choice but I feel it needs to be recorded so you could hear emotion to it which may be a big boost. You don't need some expensive ass mic though.

[Artille]

Re: In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

Yeah I understand what you are talking about with the rewording, but I tried to stay away from that in this piece. I felt it was a more serious topic and want to be straight up.

Thanks for the detailed feedback.

[IgnoranceIsBliss]

Re: In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

Yeah I understand what you are talking about with the rewording, but I tried to stay away from that in this piece. I felt it was a more serious topic and want to be straight up.

Thanks for the detailed feedback.

Yeah like I said, it's your choice if you feel rewording it would help, I just feel it's too simple and plain though, it's serious so I would make it more dramatic with short sharp lines as there is no use of punchlines in it. The execution of snappy lines would fill the space of no punchlines but would still keep the seriousness of the topic and they can also display anger in them which makes it more emotionally driven

[Enigma]

Re: In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

Yeah I understand what you are talking about with the rewording, but I tried to stay away from that in this piece. I felt it was a more serious topic and want to be straight up.

Thanks for the detailed feedback.

Now you sound like you're writing an English paper.

[prezidential]

Re: In America [Revised+Updated Verse]

Obamas health care is going to fuck up this country. I voted for him, he's totally lost my support though.