part of a song im writing tell me what u think

[IEATBEATZ]

Im fallin off the edge of the world like an apple
smoke sum trees then go buy a snapple

my life is at the bottom of the pot, thats where i shine..
i get real high then the clouds are mine

the clock is tickin but i aint runnin out of time
lookin in the mirror and still aint in my prime



just want opinions
not done with it yet. those are the first bars

[marcusgettin]

Re: part of a song im writing tell me what u think

Pretty wack tbh...

[Dukez]

Re: part of a song im writing tell me what u think

yeah youre trying to do that lil wayne punchline rap but your not executing it too smoothly.. my advice is to write full bars and ditch that comma (pause flow) bullshit...

because if you're going to have pauses --- then the punchline has to be KILLER....if its a pause followed by a mediocre punchline, it just makes it all the worse.


check my shit and rate please:
http://www.lilwaynehq.com/forums/wri...aving-you.html