100%

[YoungMoneyBeast]

These are random bars I wrote, I'm new to writing rhymes and don't plan to make a living out of this so don't take it seriously. I'm not gonna lie and say I made it in 5 minutes; it literally took me hours to try to make (aproximately) 16 bars . Also I'm not saying "I know it sucks but..." because I'm actually sort of proud of this. The title (if I ever write the whole track) will be 100%. This would be just a verse.

I put in 2/2 of effort on this
and to be honest
all these other artists
are probably garbage
and partially retarded
its hard to go hard
and hardly im bothered
theyre workin at supermarkets
while im goin to harvard
so yeah i go harder
prepare to get slaughtered
your head in the water
i bet ill go farther
im better for starters
you redder than target
i take your spot and mark it
when i go hundred and put these rappers on the market

I don't really mind if you flame me, but at least tell me what I did wrong

[Late122]

Re: 100%

It's good for a beginner, not really clever lines but the word rhyming is nice. Those are actually 8 bars and you should try a freestyle beat so you could test the writings and see how the words rhyme and flow, like this beat: Rap Beats - Free Style Instrumentals (rap beats,instrumental beats,instrumental rap,hip hop beats) - YouTube Actually the flow in your writing is pretty good now than I tried it Best lines would be:

It's hard to go hard and hardly im bothered
They're workin at supermarkets, while im goin to Harvard

[Dukez]

Re: 100%

this is exactly how my bars looked when i first started writing and i must say for a beginner its pretty good man

try not to rhyme every single line so fast though... for example your last line... the fact that its longer and less abrupt allows for a nicer smoother flow..

instead of (THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE)
im shooting at the target
i got a bargain
im retarded
IM farting....

try more like
im shooting at the target
outta space flow motherfucking mr. martian...
and i make em disappear rappers on milk cartons


only three words rhymed there... target martian and cartons but using more words within the bars allows you to work on flow.

hope that helps and check my shit homie!

http://www.lilwaynehq.com/forums/wri...0-fuckaaz.html