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Who I became

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  • Who I became

    First time ever I write anything rly so dont expect anything special! How ever I found writing very soothing and it just might become a new passion ^^ (and sorry in advance if the spelling is way off! Im not that great with eng spelling )


    I was not more then eleven
    When I thought you sent mom to heaven
    I remember it all so clear
    All that blood on the stair (when)
    Coming down from my room
    Rackets outside going boom
    Her under you,pinned to the ground
    Tyson wouldnt go that round
    I had no chans against a full grown man
    Heart pumpin, pulse just fuckin ran
    Started cryin, I aint ashamed to say
    It got you off her, she's alive this day
    You stood up and walked away
    3 months is what they made you pay
    Living in a broken system
    Were so assraped by em
    Taking the law now in my own hands
    Gonna show you exactly where my money stands


    Time to pay up for what I've become
    They let you go, but I aint done
    You thought that I had forgotten
    What you did was way to rotten
    A piece of you Im takein'
    Dont think for a second Im fakein'


    Nightly terrors of the time with you
    First time you had her I wasnt more then two
    Every day, mind drifts, there once more
    Why didnt the bitch leave? Couldnt she find the door?
    All your pictures rapein' my mind, dick!
    Want em gone, tear em out, they'r making me sick
    Im all grown up now and seeking satisfaction
    You alone, eat my gun, see the reaction
    Should have ridded me when you had the chanse
    Comin' for ya now, Gonna make you fuckin dance
    Make you bleed, make you scream
    I'll be your bloody Mary dream
    I got no pity for ya
    Ill take no pleading from ya
    I have this flaming rage
    Takin this fucked up stage.


    Thought you were so fucking bright.
    Beating a woman who couldnt fight
    What you didnt expect was me holding a grudge
    Now Im your last hope, executioner and judge
    This little bitch grew up so fast
    My world now,dick. Im erazing the past
    How can I say this without sounding blunt
    You made me a stonecold heartless cunt
    I piss on love and laugh at emotion
    They were tools in my shameless abortion
    You dont like to see what you molded?
    I gave up, gave in, I folded
    You turned me into who I am
    My own fucking father, damn!
    I gave all of my faith to you
    Like every kid should be able to
    Hidd my shame, played the game
    forgot my name, ate the blame
    Finally I have your full attention
    Welcome to my world, dick!
    With love, your beloved extention.

  • #2
    Re: Who I became

    I definitely feel this. You did a lot of writing. No homo, no hate, but u used the word dick maybe too much for my taste This is really good for a first timer. I would like to say that you should rhyme more words. That brings more flow and it just sounds better. I like the hook and the subject.

    Flow: 4/5, this is pretty good. You timed the bars well.
    Lyrics: 4/5 I like the subject of the violence or stuff and there were couple dope lines.
    Rhyming: 3/5, add more rhyming words and it's good.
    Overall: 3,75/5 Very good for a beginner!


    Favourite lines were:

    'I piss on love and laugh at emotion
    They were tools in my shameless abortion'

    'You turned me into who I am
    My own fucking father, damn!'

    And to the last line you could have added some words because the pause between father and damn was too long. Just adding god in front of the damn helps.

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    • #3
      Re: Who I became

      Ty for all the constructive critesism. gives me something to work with! Ty for taking the time and helping a nibblet out ^^Ill get working on it asap

      Comment

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