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2nd attempt

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  • 2nd attempt

    New attempt at writing something! Would love feedback!

    Had the devil making my bed
    Bearly hanging on, life on a thread
    Now she is hiding in the shed
    Sence I ripped the wool off my head

    I was so dizzy, in such a sway
    Life feeling like a fucking essay
    But the fog lifted and see, clear as day
    Every bone in your drawer, Im a fucking X-ray

    Thought I was your puppet
    But its you who's the muppet
    Not giving you a chans to stop it
    Im finished when you drop it

    Should have held your breath
    Fortelling my death, while feeding me meth
    All that shit you flung
    Now Ill be coming at ya so fast
    you'll think Im talking in tongue.

    Thought your backstabb was a score
    Im laughing cause it was so poor
    here let me show you the door
    Im throwing you ashore
    Then Ill drag your body all over the floor

    Im leaving the gas on
    It's to good to pass on
    When your dead you stay gone
    Im making the new dawn

    You best pray for a day when Ill stop the dissmay
    Make way for foul-play, send out a may-day
    Bird of pray on your tray, Ill let you get halfway
    Good day for a buffet its all saints day!

    You think I wont bare
    When your not there
    Just watch my rare as I walk down the stair
    And tell me why the fuck you think I care

    If this all make you bitter
    Better tell em dudes on Twitter
    To me its all litter
    Never saw you as a quitter
    Maby I should call your moma or maby a sitter?

    Thought you were solid as fixture
    But I saw the trixter thrown in my mixture
    Left to do is to fix her
    With bricks and sticks Im sure we can mix her

    Now its to late
    Im making your new fate
    Make you blow the state
    at this rate with my weight
    Your gonna need someone to translate

    Ill show you a side
    of the devils bride
    Treating you to a good ride
    If it was me Id run and hide

  • #2
    Re: 2nd attempt

    Forget to give some feed... I think you should make a bit longer lines. These were good:
    'You best pray for a day when Ill stop the dissmay
    Make way for foul-play, send out a may-day
    Bird of pray on your tray, Ill let you get halfway
    Good day for a buffet its all saints day!'

    These could be just one line, You think I wont bare when your not there.

    It always helps if your listening to a beat while writing. Easier to decide the lenght and stuff like that.

    Rhyming is pretty good. I see your already getting better after the first time. I got even a shout out, Now its too late

    best lines:
    When your dead you stay gone
    Im making the new dawn

    Now its to late
    Im making your new fate

    These could be also just one line.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: 2nd attempt

      Fortelling my death, while feeding me meth









      i liked it though. good job

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: 2nd attempt

        oh ty for the feedback. and ye i know I need a hell of alot of practise haha apriciate the comments guys. and I actually prefer to write without a beat. The words always change a hell of alot once I found the proper beat to it so lines etc are just roughly and most is devided so i can keep track on where the hell i put the rhyming words

        Love the feedback !

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: 2nd attempt

          Damn, I really like these, good job!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: 2nd attempt

            Originally posted by ABjerg View Post
            Damn, I really like these, good job!
            awh very happy panda atm ty so much

            Comment

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