Graduation - Stephen K.I.N.G. need some feedback please

[StephenKING]

Graduation


(Verse 1)
It's graduation night, so I should show my school spirit
But I hated that school, and damn near everybody in it
I guess it's kinda weird I didnt really wanna finish
Most my niggas underclassmen I just got in where I fit in
When it comes down to it, I feel like I was made backwards
Maturity came last, I was focused on the laughter
Besides that I tried to spread knowledge like a pastor
About graduation and the real world after
I read the book of life, fuck starting a new chapter
So I try to show the truth hidden under a fancy ass wrapper
But they don't wanna listen when a rapper ain't spittin'
And y'all stay wondering why the real rappers quitin'
I'm in a highschool daze, I'm wise beyond my days
Still people say I say got some so-called childish ways
So they look down on me, say I need to act my age
I wonder what they gon' say to me when I get paid


(Verse 2)
I look back at my time, yeah, I remember all of it
The teachers used to tell me, "Stephen, go out in the hall and sit"
And if I keep talking then an "F" is what I'm gonna get
I told a teacher, "Suck my balls" and she just had a fit
I failed that class, and she took my phone
I was lucky as hell I didnt get a call home
My moms woulda killed my ass, if she had known
And if she here the song, then I just told her on my own
I was a bad student, but I never did cheat
I said, "Fuck You" to a teach who told me to move seats
Then I met some niggas who told me they made beats
I stomped holes in they tracks, like my rhymes was wearing cleats
I was in the band it was hot out in the sun
So I cooled it with some dudes who kicked freestyles for fun
Marv, Te', and JJ, like hell if I had won
I always took a Big L, they was Bigger with the Puns


(Verse 3)
So just know this as I walk across that stage
I don't owe y'all anything, my dues are paid
My hours are made, and I've made your grades
Now I dont have to be anybody else's slave
Until I commit to the system, get a 9 to 5
And live through the cycle most people call life
Or I go to college, waste money and time
Until I get a degree that really ain't mine
It belongs to the people who molded my mind
They just gave it to me as a muthafuckin' sign
That i've completed my training, I can do what they need
It's all for them, all I am is a seed
I'll grow into a tree, then I'll bear fruits
Then they'll pick em', and there's nothing I can do
I can try to say something, yes this is true
But they'll cut me down, then who's there for the youth

[THA GR8 M8]

I actually fuck with these lyrics.... Had a good topic going, and you stuck to it. But there is some room for improvement...

1. You could use some multies...
- Example:
"I did what you said, I made my grades
Like Birdman on the stage, hands together like I'm sayin' grace"
- Notice the end of each line are rhyming more then one word. If you listen to the rappers in your iPod, you will notice they do this on just about every song, in about every line. It's a little more difficult to write when you first start using this technique of writing, but it will come easy after time. It makes the lyrics better definitely.

2. You could use some internal rhymes...
- Example:
"I'm graduatin', I finally made it
I'm here escapin', one of my least favorite places"
- Notice that not only just the end of the lines rhymed, but in the middle of the line you see a rhyme. You don't always have to rhyme the same words in the middle and the end for it to be an internal rhyme. This technique is definitely a bit easier to some then the multies, but it just depends on the person.


Hope those tips help ya out. The song lyrics definitely weren't bad though. From what I can tell (Not knowing the flow since its just the lyrics written and no song) I would rate these about a 3.5/5. Keep it up.

[StephenKING]

Thanks man, I think I'm gonna like it here, real honest opinions, no hatin/ or dick riding, I'll post the other singles lyrics up soon.