Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

[YungNRuthless]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

I am setting the deadline for noon pacific time on Tuesday. Since nobody's said anything, I'm assuming you guys want me to just pick.

yeah just pick

[MszYNR]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

Those were all deep
I'd write one but... idk.

[YungNRuthless]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

Those were all deep
I'd write one but... idk.

do one please

[MszYNR]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

Fine...

I remember when I was four,
That was the start of us being poor.
And on top of what was going on,
momma didnt want no girl, she wanted a son.
So all hope for me was gone.
And that's when my dad came along.
Showed her what love was and shee grasped it.
Even though, til this day, she treats me like shit.
I remember being in elementary school.
And let me tell you, being a mixed child was not cool.
See where Im from, theres a war against the 'Spics and the Niggas'
And see I am both, so I already knew what to figga.
Every fucking day, I got jumped, because of the fact,
that dark skin and the ability to speak Spanish was what I lack
And to this day, I get racial slurs thrown at me
Because I was a mutt, shit they didnt just let me be.
I remember when I was beat across the face
By a nigga who never gave me no space.
All he ever did was choke and threaten me,
I was just waiting for the day when I could be free.
From all this shit, I hated having to do what he said,
But if I refused, he'd throw me across the bed.
And this nigga would force me to give him head.
It was one day, when I could just no longer take it.
Told my mom, and the bitch thought I was faking.
I couldnt believe my ears.
Being raped was no longer a fear.
It was my mom not supporting me
That was getting the best of me.
I used to try and forget about what happened those nights.
And all those times, he used force, and I couldnt fight.
I remember not being able to testify,
I was too afraid, that he'd come by,
and put the trigger to my head,
Then throw me back on the bed.
I remember crying my self to sleep.
Until I was finally free of that fucking creep.
But not for too long, two months was all he had.
And when he got out, I knew things would be bad.
He come and kill me, 3 feet is way too near.
So,day by day, I'm living in fear.



That was kinda corny, but it was a freestyle so uhm... yeah.

[trillphill]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

Fine...

I remember when I was four,
That was the start of us being poor.
And on top of what was going on,
momma didnt want no girl, she wanted a son.
So all hope for me was gone.
And that's when my dad came along.
Showed her what love was and shee grasped it.
Even though, til this day, she treats me like shit.
I remember being in elementary school.
And let me tell you, being a mixed child was not cool.
See where Im from, theres a war against the 'Spics and the Niggas'
And see I am both, so I already knew what to figga.
Every fucking day, I got jumped, because of the fact,
that dark skin and the ability to speak Spanish was what I lack
And to this day, I get racial slurs thrown at me
Because I was a mutt, shit they didnt just let me be.
I remember when I was beat across the face
By a nigga who never gave me no space.
All he ever did was choke and threaten me,
I was just waiting for the day when I could be free.
From all this shit, I hated having to do what he said,
But if I refused, he'd throw me across the bed.
And this nigga would force me to give him head.
It was one day, when I could just no longer take it.
Told my mom, and the bitch thought I was faking.
I couldnt believe my ears.
Being raped was no longer a fear.
It was my mom not supporting me
That was getting the best of me.
I used to try and forget about what happened those nights.
And all those times, he used force, and I couldnt fight.
I remember not being able to testify,
I was too afraid, that he'd come by,
and put the trigger to my head,
Then throw me back on the bed.
I remember crying my self to sleep.
Until I was finally free of that fucking creep.
But not for two long, two months was all he had.
And when he got out, I knew things would be bad.
He come and kill me, 3 feet is way too near.
So,day by day, I'm living in fear.



That was kinda corny, but it was a freestyle so uhm... yeah.

i liked it , and you spelled 'two' when it should've been 'too'

[MszYNR]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

Oh lol, thanks for pointing that out. I was gonna put something, but I changed the line. Let me fix that.

[YungNRuthless]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

damn good job i knew u had it it in u

[Patriarch]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

The entries are as follows:

YNR

I remember when i had nothing for dinner..
no air in the summer, no heat in the winter..
pops was doing coke, so the family was broke..
i know i had to swallow it but i was afraid id choke..
i couldn't pary to god, cause i didn't believe in em..
my mom seen us struggling so she ended up leaving him..
we went back to my homestate, to try to escape..
my mom took em back, boy was that a mistake..
he treated us worse, beat me, i was 12 ofcouse...
i could't hit back, so the family felt trapped..
understand? where im coming from man?
i didnt want it, but i kept it cool as a fan...
so my mom left him again, she got herself a boyfriend,
now this is where i am, i left school, cause of bullys
hung with bad people who carried fullys...
after that my life hasn't been the same,
im depressed, all i really want is a bullet to the brain,
i feel like im on a train, they left me insane,
because its never stop-ing..
then it started to slow down when i met her,
she is beautiful, she can save me im sure,

I feel that the first half of this is much better constructed than the second. Of the submissions, this had one of the better flows; however, somewhere around the "bullys" line your flow breaks down a little. Overall, you developed a good beginning to your story, but then rushed the conclusion.

biggie>wayne

I WISH


i wish you knew the things i seen
kicked out on the streets with pair of cloths and a sheet
i was in a differnt world i seen things u couldnt belive.
i tryed to over come my life but it just stayed as a defeat.
do u know how it feels to pretty much feel as low as it comes.
yea i was on the bottom.
ppl laughed at me and called me a bum.
but then i ment dude named zay.
he knew how to surive.
he said before u go anywhere take this nine.
so just incase nigga run up on u shoot him till he die.
so my pockets were feeling nice.
had every kind of drug.
but u see that shit dont last
cause i got caught in a flash.
now i am cuffed up in the back
they sent me to jail.
i learned how to suceed
rather then fail.
i was livin so nice now it is gone like a fairy tale.
i felt so alone my skin went pail.
so i finnally got out..
i went to my next sale.
it was about 4 ounces.
dude said flip it and u get half of it.
i said shit, what a deal.
so now my bankroll is real.
i once was the type of person to just scheem and steal.
but now i am changed person did u felt what i feeled?

Like YNR's, this suffered from a hurried conclusion. Additionally, I got a little confused as to how this character was changed. I understand that he obviously learned something in jail, but it would have been nice to see that part of the story elaborated on. In addition to my addition (and this is, perhaps, a more minor point), since when does somebody get rich from selling 4 ounces? Though this suffered from the points I already made, it was interesting how you attempted to include a dynamic character in your story, who actually changed as the story progressed.

trill
"Silenced" (conspiracy)


im finally home as i sit and write this to you listenin.
even propaganda can't hide them breakin the constitution.
not even the propaganda can silence our witnessin.
as we stood by having blatant lies beatin into our minds,
who wants to be a citizen to a country of this?
i guess my parents believed in a system once so bliss.
but where was justice when they put the red dot on her,shot her,
and taking a homeless guy to blame with manslaughter.
his name was Richard, a poor father who had a daughter,
taken away to state quarters like someone had bought her,
the man could barely stand to walk like walls with no mortar.
the judge's proceeding hand cut his heart like country border's.
did all this shit happen because of what me and eddy did?
this is gettin to my head like kurt cobain's weapon.
someone help, i need to find a reverend,
cus i'm thinkin about my next stop to heaven.

(chorus)

the government is bullshit,
tryna kill us citizens with full clips.
but we don't have to stay silent forever,
come brothers, let us band together.
or eternally hold your peace,
yea that's bullshit they speak.
and after they come and get me,
this song will repeat in their dreams.


i decided to visit my reverend
before i put the gun to my head screamin 187.
Mark was his name, a good friend.
but to me he's just brethren.
i've known this guy my whole life,
i could trust him with my kids and wife.
we discussed all the stuff in the paper and daily news spill.
"What the fuck is this now, we're allies with Kim Jong-il?!"
soon we're all gonna be like them, blind.
havin our intellect torn from our mind like apartheid.
god might as well be just another blind man,
cus he mustn't be able to see us nightly cryin.
or he would run right to our side,
embracing us with his evangelic site.
if i would cry he would cry.
if i would die he'd be my after life.

(chorus)

the government is bullshit,
tryna kill us citizens with full clips.
but we don't have to stay silent forever,
come brothers, let us band together.
or eternally hold your peace,
yea that's bullshit they speak.
and after they come and get me,
this song will repeat in their dreams.


the government is bullshit,
ima have to kill em with full clips.
cus this song has only left a dent
in these foolish bastard's incompetence.
but before i let my 4 5 speak,
i ask for you to forgive me.
as i unleash a hungry army,
to burn these demons like dry barley.
we will fight for life and liberty as human beings,
bring uprisings equivalent to the distance of god's angels falling.
that was my tyranny-to-freedom life lesson.
so i give praise to a non spite-less son.
because his name wasn't fore-mentioned.
he believed in tranquility
that came through unity as one.
that man's name is Thomas Jefferson.
the government has taken new chances,
but can't kill me with their death sentence.
they have to face men that don't believe in evanescence,
cus i'll stand adjacent to god forever in their presence.

This was probably the most creative of all the entries. It's major downfall, though, is the fact that a reader/listener would have to have received the PM that trill sent me, explaining that this song is about a future dictatorship. By itself, the song doesn't quite make that clear. The song's length and inclusion of a chorus are certainly assets, and the idea behind the song is one with a lot of potential, but I just don't feel that it was developed enough.

MszRockette

I remember when I was four,
That was the start of us being poor.
And on top of what was going on,
momma didnt want no girl, she wanted a son.
So all hope for me was gone.
And that's when my dad came along.
Showed her what love was and shee grasped it.
Even though, til this day, she treats me like shit.
I remember being in elementary school.
And let me tell you, being a mixed child was not cool.
See where Im from, theres a war against the 'Spics and the Niggas'
And see I am both, so I already knew what to figga.
Every fucking day, I got jumped, because of the fact,
that dark skin and the ability to speak Spanish was what I lack
And to this day, I get racial slurs thrown at me
Because I was a mutt, shit they didnt just let me be.
I remember when I was beat across the face
By a nigga who never gave me no space.
All he ever did was choke and threaten me,
I was just waiting for the day when I could be free.
From all this shit, I hated having to do what he said,
But if I refused, he'd throw me across the bed.
And this nigga would force me to give him head.
It was one day, when I could just no longer take it.
Told my mom, and the bitch thought I was faking.
I couldnt believe my ears.
Being raped was no longer a fear.
It was my mom not supporting me
That was getting the best of me.
I used to try and forget about what happened those nights.
And all those times, he used force, and I couldnt fight.
I remember not being able to testify,
I was too afraid, that he'd come by,
and put the trigger to my head,
Then throw me back on the bed.
I remember crying my self to sleep.
Until I was finally free of that fucking creep.
But not for too long, two months was all he had.
And when he got out, I knew things would be bad.
He come and kill me, 3 feet is way too near.
So,day by day, I'm living in fear.

I must admit, I was surprised by this entry. Its flow and rhyme scheme are very simple (and in some places don't work very well), but it develops the ideas that it presents further than the other entries do. For example, there is a line about her telling her mother, and then that idea is expanded upon over the next 4 or so lines - it isn't just a quick throwaway line. The point I'm trying to make is that there's surprisingly little filler. I didn't quite understand the "3 feet is way too near" part, though.


In conclusion,
I think I'm going to give this one to Msz. I feel that it is the most complete overall song presented here.

Good job to those who entered; your works were delightfully refreshing, and I hope that the closing of this contest will not dissuade you from creating works such as these in the future.

[MszYNR]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

The 3 feet was how far he has to stay away from me.

[YungNRuthless]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

The 3 feet was how far he has to stay away from me.

congratulates i told u it was good

[MszYNR]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

The 3 feet was how far he has to stay away from me.

congratulates i told u it was good

Well thank you.

[biggie>wayne]

Re: Patriarch's Raptastic, Raptacular Rap Contest

i was trying to say that the 4 ounces like got me started